The Day I Chose a Different Path

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.” - Viktor E. Frankl

Some years ago, I was assisting at a 3-day clinic called Listening to the Wisdom of Horses. On the final day, I was asked to look at a problem with one of the mares. She was described as hard to connect with — distant, disinterested, and seemingly unwilling to participate in anything.

I spent some time trying to approach her, but she clearly didn’t want to engage. As the group of participants looked on, I began using light pressure — hoping to reward even the smallest sign of interaction. But before long, she was trotting around the sizeable round pen, still avoiding any connection.

I tried a few different “natural horsemanship” techniques. Nothing worked. She stayed shut down. I started to feel the pressure of the audience and began thinking I might have to “up” the pressure — even though it didn’t feel right.

Then came the moment I’ll never forget.

As she walked away from me again, my heart dropped. I felt tired and disappointed. I had slipped back into “old” methods — trying to make a horse do what I wanted, pressuring her to make the “right” choice so I could release. It suddenly felt so wrong.

Right then, I turned to the crowd and said, “She clearly doesn’t want to connect. And to be honest, neither do I — not like this.” I felt a wave of relief wash over me. The performance pressure fell away, and I knew: I was done trying to coerce horses into anything they didn’t want.

As I stood explaining my decision to the group — how I no longer wanted to work this way — the mare quietly walked up behind me and gently touched my back.

That was it. The confirmation I needed.

From that moment on, I made a vow: I would never work with horses again without their consent.

This led me to take a long break from riding or training. I spent my time simply hanging out in the pasture, asking nothing of the horses. I focused instead on coaching with horses at liberty and on my own personal growth.

Years later, something shifted. One of my mares — and her brother — began looking at me with anticipation. I felt them inviting me to do more than just hang out. But I also felt my hesitation — I didn’t want to slip back into “asking” again.

That’s when life brought me the answers. I began learning about the subtle language of horses — the calming signals, the stress responses, the micro-expressions of tension and curiosity. I learned how to support them in regulating their nervous system, how to move with them instead of at them.

This opened up a new world. Suddenly I could see my horses more clearly — not just their behavior, but their inner world. I was meeting them at a whole new level. And slowly, the concept of Affirmative Training came into focus: that when a horse is truly allowed to say no, you open up a much bigger space for them to say yes.

There is no feeling quite like doing something with your horse when they’ve offered it freely. When they say “yes,” and you walk the path together.

I’ll always be grateful to that grey mare who, all those years ago, taught me the true meaning of consent.

♡

If this story resonates with you — if you’ve ever questioned the old ways, or felt that quiet discomfort in your gut — you’re not alone. There is another way. One that begins with listening. With slowing down. With consent.

And that’s where the real connection begins.